What I like about freedom from ED…

I'm not cold all the time anymore.
I can have chocolate and bread and pasta.
I can fill my mind with more important things than calories consumed and burned.
I can enjoy catching up with friends or family over a lunch or dinner appointment.
I can be fully present with people.
PEOPLE are more important than food, calories, etc.
I don't have to lie anymore - to myself or to others.
My entire body doesn't go stiff like a board anymore during meals.
I can enjoy my life.
My schedule is no longer dictated by food or exercise.
I can appreciate and love my self and my body.
I can practice yoga without incessant negative thoughts about my body.
I am free to be me.

I miss looking like I did in the picture on this blog. I don't look a ton different, but I've definitely put on some weight. I am healthy now, though, and I was miserable then. I was starving myself and hating my life. Now life is good. So I'll take the body I have now. Thank you, Lord, for healing!

It's been a really long time - about 2 years since I've written anything on here. So much has changed. No one reads this, so I'm writing to ciberspace, but oh well. Maybe I'll make something new out of it....

Well, right now I have an orange kitty sleeping across my arms as I type this. He is trying to not be annoyed by the movements of my hands as I type and navigate!! He's snoring a bit too. Under my elbows is a book about psychopharmacology. That's going to be the rest of my evening. I'm studying bipolar disorder. Yesterday was depression. I'm learning a lot, but it's a really hard class -- lots of pressure!! So I'm going to get to it. I'll write more later...

Courage

A girl in my group at Selah House told me about a CD by Superchick. Superchick is a Christian alternative band. I normally don't go "alternative"--I'm more of a Point of Grace girl, but she spoke so highly of the lyrics in some of the songs that I decided to get the CD (title: Beauty from Pain). Oh my goodness, there is a song on there called Courage, and I seriously feel like I wrote it. Each time I listen to it, I feel a deep stirring in my soul. It takes quite a bit of vulnerability to post the words on here because I hate to admit weakness, and this song does just that. So here are the words:

Courage

I told another lie today
And I got through this day
No one saw through my games
I know the right words to say
Like "I don't feel well"
"I ate before I came"
Then someone tells me how good I look
And for a moment
For a moment I am happy
But when I'm alone
No one hears me cry

I need you to know
I'm not through the night
Some days I'm still fighting to walk towards the light
I need you to know
That we'll be ok
Together we can make it through another day

I don't know the first time I felt unbeautiful
The day I chose not to eat
What I do know is how I changed my life forever
I know I should know better
There are days when I'm ok
And for a moment
For a moment I find hope
But there are days when I'm not ok
And I need your help
So I'm letting go

I need you to know
I'm not through the night
Some days I'm still fighting to walk towards the light
I need you to know
That we'll be ok
Together we can make it through another day

You should know you're not on your own
These secrets are walls that keep us alone
I don't know when but what I know now
Together we'll make it through somehow
Together we'll make it through somehow

I need you to know
I'm not through the night
Some days I'm still fighting to walk towards the light
I need you to know
That we'll be ok
Together we can make it through another day

Job

A few weeks ago, I was struck by a passage of Scripture. The words relate to my life so much, and I felt that it was truly a word from God. But today I went back to the passage, and I am wondering how much it can be applied. The verse is Job 36:16: "He is wooing you from the jaws of distress to a spacious place free from restriction, to the comfort of your table laden with choice food." Taken out of context, this verse applies so well to me, but when read in context, and I realize that it was spoken by Elihu, I am not sure if I truly can apply it. Elihu, as we recall was one of Job's rebuking friends, who in the end was rebuked by God. All of the words of Job's friends were negated when God spoke in the end....so can something they said be applied to our lives? I don't know. Any suggestions out there?

Pondering...

Today I ponder the capriciousness of perspicuous rainfall.

Capriciousness: (kə-prē'shəs-ness). noun. "Characterized by or subject to whim; impulsive and unpredictable; determined by chance or impulse or whim rather than by necessity or reason."

Perspicuous: (pər-spĭk'yōō-əs). adj. "Clearly expressed or presented."

Proverbial rainfall is clearly expressed and presented, yet it is impulsive and unpredictable. It seems to come by whim rather than by necessity or reason. Will purpose be realized in someone's tomorrow or forever remain capricious? Natural rainfall fosters growth and nurture. But when proverbial, is there truly a need? a reason? I do not believe everything happens for a reason, thus capricious. Yet this present rainfall is perspicuously clear, so therefore... I ponder.

Nothing

I just watched a Nooma video about the forgiveness of God. At the end, Rob Bell repeats over and over, "There is nothing you could ever do to make God love you less." The thought popped into my mind: if there's nothing I can ever do to make God love me less, what can I do to make me love me less? Oh, there's a ton! Every day there are opportunities for me to do things and to interpret the things I do into thoughts and feelings of worthlessness and self-hatred. In fact, I was getting on here tonight to post something that would reveal my discouragement with myself. But if there is nothing I can ever do to make God love me less, and He is the final authority (His approval is the only thing that matters in life), then what does disapproval of myself even matter? And if I want to love with the love of Christ, shouldn't I start in the place that is closest to home? I have a lot to learn.